Blah, blah, blah

Most of this silly blog seems to be me bitching about things. I try to write soul-searching, touching things and I get it started just fine, but then things go wrong and my personal issues intrude and everything just goes straight to the 7th plain of Hell.

I was feeling pensive this evening and overwhelmed with everything that needs to be done. Both in my hom and in my life in general. I want desperately to go back to school, (I'm a college student) but since I still owe them $145, they will not let me enroll. I have a hold on my account that will not be lifted until they are fully paid off. My payments are set at $50/month, but even if I can afford to pay more, all the classes I need for graduation will be full by the time I get that paid off. I just can't win sometimes. I only need 3 classes, too. That's it. Life sucks sometimes.

My son has a condition called Developmental Dyspraxia. His gross motor skills and many of his fine motor skills are immature. It is difficult for him to write, he has trouble kicking and throwing balls, has trouble using a knife and fork, so many other things...he will require occupational therapy once a week for many years yet to help him learn how to do the things that most of us take for granted. There is nothing wrong with him mentally or emotionally, just his co-ordination is not what it should be and a lot of things are hard for him. He is also dyslexic on top of it.

Even so, he is usually cheerful and happy. He meets his challenges head on and overcomes them more often as we do his therapy with him, but he still struggles, and will for the rest of his life. Thinking about him and the challenges he faces makes me feel ashamed for the way I act sometimes. I complain about not having the money to pay off the school so I can finish my last three classes, and don't appreciate the fact that I can brush my own hair and butter my own toast and easily use a fork to eat with. What kind of horrible monster am I?

I love you baby. Don't you ever forget that. I don't think he realizes how much I admire him and how much I hate the struggles he faces as he is learning to function in his daily life. He's only 8 years old. It's not fair that he has to struggle and hurt like this. It's just not fair. And of course, other kids sense weakness in him and they latch on like leeches and suck all the humanity out of him. Out of themselves, too, to be sure. It upsets him so much when the other kids make fun of him, and that of course hurts me, too. We have not had so much trouble with other kids here recently. We started homeschooling him last year and have gotten involved with a homeschooling group through our public library, and we have just started going to church. You would be amazed at how hard it is to find an Earth-based church in this part of the country!

I just realized what time it is--coming up on 3:00am. I have got to go for now. I will try to not take so long between postings next time. Not that anyone other than me is reading, though!